It was around the time I started high school that I began to adopt being Agnostic and I grew out of being a Christian. My faith in Christianity lessened and lessened the more I experienced in the world, but I wasn’t ready to turn to being an Atheist.
I found my mind too congested with religion or lack of religion. I often found myself tugged around as my faith in God was tested everyday that I was home, and the beauty of the world tested my more Atheistic thoughts that there is no God whatsoever.
Then I found out what being Agnostic, means. In short terms, it means I don’t know whether God exists because I lack the evidence on both sides of religions and Atheism. The Bible is not a source of information, and science isn’t a source of fact in this instant. Theories in science are just theories and are not proven, but that is especially in the case of arguing that God doesn’t exist. The answer is always “well, the Big Bang”, but the Big Bang isn’t proven? And, what caused the Big Bang? The answers to how we began our so clouded by our own personal emotional reactions to belief that we will likely never know even when we die.
When I tell people I’m Agnostic after they’ve asked me what I believe, it’s usually followed with a question of “what is that?”. Sometimes it’s met with rolled eyes, usually from people of faith. One time I was on a bus traveling to the Texas State Capitol and I engaged in conversation with a woman my age about religion. When I explained my beliefs she responded with, “I hope you find what you’re looking for”. I was confused, I’m not “looking” for anything, I’m simply not sure about our creation or where we go after we die. I’m open to the answers that I will find out when it is my time to know.
I’ve also been told that “Agnostics are closet Christians”. In reality, this is hardly the case. Christianity did not work well with me. I found myself being judged by God on a daily basis because my life simply sucked on a daily basis. This was an unhealthy, and being Agnostic allowed me not to fear of judgement or that I was going to Hell for committing sin. If God does exist, would he send me of all people to Hell just because I commit a sin that does no harm to others? That is perfectly natural? I doubt it, but I didn’t always have that mentality.
Something that does bother me is when I’ve had pets or loved ones pass, people usually say “they’re in a better place”. That phrase irks me almost as much as people telling me to pray. In my mind, how is supposed Heaven better? They were loved by me here, and they won’t have me there if we’re going with the traditional version of Heaven. So, it’s better even though I’m not there, it’s better without me? It angers me when people tell me this. A simple, “I’m sorry” would suffice.
Telling me to pray is probably the number one thing you should never say to me. Personally, and this will upset many, I believe prayer to be a complete waste of time. Instead of praying, I believe you should use that time to volunteer, or if it’s a personal matter, problem solve the situation yourself. I remember a substitute teacher once telling the class that the minute of silence was for prayer, and I instantly was pissed off, as I felt she was telling me what to do with my minute of free time. Many times I used the minute of silence to play on my phone or think about something random. In cases of death or tragedy, I used the minute of silence to think about the people or person affected, rather than praying for everything to be better. Is that cynical? Probably, but that’s what I believe.
It’s also really awkward that not many Christians or people of faith take into account people like me. At some events there’s a big prayer session “let us all take this moment to pray”. I’m usually looking like an idiot among bowed heads and closed eyes. If it is for a funereal, I don’t bow my head, but think about the person, and their life, and how they affected me. For anything else, I usually look around and try to find people that are doing exactly what I’m doing, the exact opposite of everyone else. Sometimes those praying will take notice and give me dirty looks.
Being Agnostic isn’t easy in social terms, but it’s allowed me to see the world, life, and the universe differently, with a more sense of wonder. I think of all the possibilities of why we’re here and how we got here. I think of all the planets the universe holds and how life could be possible elsewhere. I think of how life after death could or could not be possible (I lean more towards a form of reincarnation). I won’t tell everyone to come be Agnostic with me, but I urge others to take notice that some people may not believe in the things that you do. And, that is perfectly fine. Also please don’t try to change my mind, that’s just stupid.